In the process of becoming a coach, one of the biggest learnings is around the use of language.
Words and language are the primary ways we coaches, counsellors, and therapists communicate with our clients. And like the way that the media express themselves, there is the question of whether our words are biased, neutral or manipulative.
Most of us who have spent time getting trained and have a programme of supervision will be on top of this. But what can happen is that how we show up with our clients is not necessarily how we show up across our whole lives.
If we want not to manipulate, coerce or try to control people, then scrutinising how we speak and what words we use is important. Frankly, a coach who peppered or even used once or twice any of the below in coaching a client could be described as a bad coach. That means they are not using and practising the foundational coaching principle that coaching is NOT about telling people what to do and trying to control them. It is a tough call as most of us have been spoken to in this way so much that we have incorporated it into how we relate to others. Professionally though I recommend you make sure these words stay out of your coaching practice.
Here is a list of the top 6 words and phrases people use to try to control and dictate to others either professionally or in other areas of their lives.
- “.....GOT TO…..”
Got to is directive. It says you think that something must happen and it has the energy of judgment in it
2. “......MIGHT…..” want to think about / do / change ……”
This usually starts with “You….might want to think about….” This means that you are proposing a solution or a course of action that is essentially your point of view.
3. “....SHOULD….”
This again contains a judgment energy.
4. “....MUST…..”
Must I? It will be up to the person you are talking to to decide if it is a “must” for them. This is often received as command or order.
5. “.....OUGHT….”
Again this is a criticizing word and implies a duty. Something you should do.
(See how these words like to stick to each other?)
6. “DON’T YOU THINK IT WOULD BE GOOD IF…….” Last but not least is the directive suggestion. This is often heard being said but is loaded with pressure. First to agree with the speaker, then that the upcoming suggestion is a good one which the listener is then faced with having to say in either NOT a good idea in their view. There is pressure to go along with the questioner and many people do.
A very good place to start in working out where you as a practitioner are in your use of language and words is to make a recording of a session and then look to see how you are framing and expressing your questions to your clients. MAke recordings too of your daily interactions and then listen to them and see what of the words above you spot. It’s a challenge but worth it. Relationships improve when we get the energy of directiveness out of the way we are.